..a little piece of me..

so tonight i spent some time with a friend. we talked about life in general then about relationships then about our spiritual lives. she is my mentor so she helps me in all these areas. she encouraged me tonight to really seek after God and to be disciplined in my daily walk with Him. She asked me on a scale from 1 to 10 how much i desired God. I said 10 and i know its 10..just the motivation is lacking there. As soon as i left i wanted to cry because i knew why the motivation is not there for me right now and how i’ve wanted it to be so bad.

this past summer something happened that i will never forget it. it does not define me but it has left its mark. in that time period i felt as if God had left me. i felt so alone spiritually and so empty. Jon was there every step of the way. i was angry. i was hurt. i was so confused. i learned to love Jon more because he could hold me, he could kiss me, and he could tell me everything was going to be alright. i never felt like God was doing anything during that time. i felt as if He was just watching me and not saying a word. i called out and no answer. i just wanted an answer to why me? why this? why now? ..i got nothing. i felt this way for so long.

after all was said and done i finally was able to process it.

talking to my friend tonight she also asked me if i tend to love Jon more than God. i have gone back and forth. i believe and i know it is hard for me many days to love God more than Jon because i felt so alone in that time. i felt as if Jon was there and God wasn’t. i know God should be the number one love of my life but its so hard to try to want that motivation when i dont want to feel alone. i know i’m not and never will be but it is hard regardless.

Trust is my problem. i know God will never let us go through something He knows we can’t handle. i just somedays still wonder why.i long to want the relationship with God i once had. the want, the desire, the need. now i’m feeling as if i’m almost ok with where i’m at which is mediocre. it isnt good enough and shouldn’t be. God needs to have my heart first and foremost because He will never fail me.